So far I've kept this blog focused on activities with my daughter and haven't really talked about me or my motivation in writing this blog. I decided today to change that.
By the time Chiquita turned one I was a mess. I thought my marriage was falling apart, I was convinced I was a horrible mother and getting out of bed was a battle, let alone getting out of pajamas. I never really contemplated suicide but I routinely thought how much better my daughter and husband would be without me in their lives. I'd been living like this since my daughter was born. Because I believed it, I didn't talk to anyone about it, and it took that entire year to begin to consider it could be post-partum depression.
Finally after dragging my husband to counseling and long talks with my dad, I talked to my midwife and got on anti-depressants. It was like opening the curtains and letting the sunshine in. For the first time in almost a year I could clearly see that my husband loved me and my daughter loved me and that I could be a good mom. Anti-depressants aren't for everyone but for me they brought me back to reality. Honestly. Our second marriage counseling session was after I got on anti-depressants and we thanked her for her trouble and didn't go back. I could finally see that we were good, but I was still working on me.
I had to actually do something now that I was thinking straight. I resolved that to feel like a person again and the mother I wanted to be I needed to get dressed every day, leave the house every day and do some sort of activity with my daughter every day. The first two resolutions were easy enough but I'd never tried to do activities with an 18 month old before, so I turned to my friend, the internet. I began reading blogs and trying out crafts. It was great! I don't care how it sounds, having a concrete activity, even if it was just coloring or playdough, gave me a sense of accomplishment, something to point to and say "I must be an ok mom, look what we did together." I wasn't competing with any other moms, just the voice of depression inside my head.
I really appreciated those blogger moms, without knowing it, helped bring me back to myself. Yes, with toddler crafts. I didn't want to lose motivation or sink back into the early days of 9 hour tv marathons, so I took them as an example and decided that the best way for me to keep motivated would be to "report" to the world.
It's been a year now that we have been doing crafts/activities almost daily and I can't tell you if Chiquita really loves crafts or if she's any smarter because of it, but I can tell you that her mom feels like a better mom and we both love that.
I struggled just like you when I had my twins. I started doing crafts & blogging. It still helps me out. If you are still having any issues, try getting your hormones checked. I was on anti-depresants & they helped but I still wasn't back to normal. Now I'm taking vitamin/hormone supplements & no need for anti-depressants. This might not be for you, just a suggestion. Keep up the blogging and know that you are not alone in this struggle.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm not currently on anti-depressants. It was really hard to get off of them though. It was definitely easier with meds, but I think a hormone check sounds like a good idea... is that with a regular doctor or a specialist?
DeleteCimmorene and I have been through enough that there's no way we could judge, only empathize. But you can just laugh and say, "Naw, you're way crazier than me", right? (We wouldn't mind. It's true.)
ReplyDeleteConsider getting Vitamin D levels checked and double-checked: I was low and supplementation is making a difference for me. Bill (Cimmy's dad) built me a lightbox, too. (<-- yes, please, click, have a look). I mean, you know the family history is there with another sibling of ours.
Dad's good for listening, yeah. I had no idea but that's cool. Know that you've got others of us that are in your corner.
Thanks :) Really once I snapped out of it the first time and realized that the bad thoughts were really not true, just depression talking it was easier - or at least manageable. Sounds silly since with our history you think I would have recognized it but I was "in" it and couldn't see out. Like I said above I'm not on meds now, but I definitely needed them to see things like they are.
DeleteThat's good. How did you do it? Most of the system doesn't make it easy to stop meds. Maybe it's different for depression, but with a lot of other diagnoses-- they tend to stick you for life.
DeleteI applaud your attitude, too... I think meds are a tool, or leverage. They're not the be-all end-all and you might have seen just how messed up I got. Low level of lithium now works great for me but it was AWFUL stripping everything else away. Lots of my doctors, counselors, etc. were not helpful about it either... things didn't happen until insurance said NO and/or there was a class-action lawsuit. Nope, inpatient trips didn't necessarily stop them!
Yogamama, you left a question about extended breast feeding on the Sunday parenting party. I have responded in the comments with some suggestions from helpful bloggy buddies. Normally I would message you through fb but I'm on holiday and all my gadgets are being odd. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated you hunting me down :) You had a lot of good suggestions!
DeleteWhat a meaningful, personal and heart felt post. I applaud you for having the courage to speak about it publicly. Truth be told, when I came across your blog, I thought wow, what a cool mom she is!!! :) And I still think you're a cool mom! I take my hat off to you, because through it all (depression) you have shined through, and the world would have never known. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I guess that's another advantage of blogs. People only see the parts of you that you want to display :) Joking aside, I appreciate your comment, my goal is that my daughter doesn't have to know, not that I don't talk to her about depression but that she doesn't have to live with a depressed mom.
DeleteSuch a beautiful and personal post. Thank you for sharing it - we really need more people who will talk openly about postpartum depression.
ReplyDeleteI agree; more people need to know that postpartum depression is out there so that women and their families don't have to suffer. Thank you for sharing your story and for blogging. Women can be such an inspiration to each other when we connect in this way.
DeleteI think it's so cool that you started this blog to help yourself through depression (to keep yourself accountable)! The craft-a-day idea is great (I've actually did the same thing when my husband was out of town for a few months, and I was home with a 3yo and 1yo- it helps a lot!)- it really does double-duty, because it's giving you something to plan and accomplish, and it's helping you spend meaningful time with your daughter- love it! Also, I'm glad you felt comfortable saying you took meds for depression! I struggled with anxiety after the birth of my second baby, and when I finally gave in and started meds, the world was suddenly bearable again. It made such a huge difference! Good for you for telling your story- we really do need to talk about this more!
ReplyDeleteI bet this post is going to help a lot of other mothers in a similar situation as your's . Your honesty is important.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing at the Sunday Parenting Party. I featured your post at The Golden Gleam at this week's Sunday Parenting Party.